I can’t remember how many years it has been since we parted away. But I cry every time when I think about you. Why I’m so eager to see you today? The sound of rain droplets leaves my heart shaken up. I regret giving you my love. I regret getting attached to you. I regret holding you back. Why do I have to face the pain alone? I tried to be your only girl and did you ever understood my heart? Now it became the compass of broken love. Tears are flowing down and it soaks my dry lips. What should I do? Now I can’t erase you out of my mind. I cried a lot because of you. I laughed a lot because of you. I believed in love because of you. I’ve lost everything because of you. I’m speechless. It's suffocating and lonely. The world without you has chewed out my heart. You stomped on my dignity, torn apart my heart. So why did you leave me behind? It also rained on that day. You’ve stared at me wordlessly. You’ve stared at nothing else but me. Those trembling gazes and the awkwardly forced smile, speaks of our separation. You’ve told me to leave. You treat me as if I’m insane. It’s just too hard. Then I cry silently and wordlessly cause I want to stay next to you. My love is true. I wanna go back to when I was with you. I miss you, I need you. Even in my dreams I’m with you. I miss you, I need you. Rewind back the time. I wanna kiss you again. My heart aches. It’s too much to bear. And where are you? I can’t live without you. Please come back to me and stay with me.
Why did I end up falling for you? No matter how much time has passed, I still thought you were right here. But you’ve already chosen a different path. Why couldn’t I call out to you at all? Every day and night growing emotions and words overflow. But I realized that they’d never reach you again. Since that day I first met you, I felt like I already knew you. You and I melded into each other so smoothly. It was natural for me to be where you were. The two of us grew up together but you’ve already chosen a different path.
Why did I end up falling for you? No matter how much time has passed, I still thought you were right here. Now we can’t turn back. Why did I end up falling for you? How we were before... we can’t return to it anymore. Why didn’t I hold on to your hand? No matter how much time has passed, you should’ve always been by my side. But still, even if I’m nowhere near you anymore... I’m praying that you may be happy for eternity. No matter how much that would make me lonely.
Every now and then, I remember when we would ride this train together and thought these precious moments would last forever. Every now and then I look back again. Every time I close my eyes and the memories are with me but you're not here with me. I know that is time for me to set free but there is still an emptiness inside me. My life without you, it's just hard for me to imagine. I see those cherry blossoms. Although you're far away, I can hear you, I can feel you next to me. Getting over you is what I've tried to do. Can't get you out of my mind. Why can't we be together now the way we used to be? Talkin' to my heart, trying to explain. Our love has faded away just like the seasons go by and now it's here again. The leaves will flutter to the ground. It reminds me of the days when you were here to hold my hand. And the promises we've made along still keeps me hanging on. Hold me now just like other lovers.
I hung my head low, avoiding the sky; hiding. The nights were endless in my dark heart. I couldn’t spread my wings in this world that was like a small birdcage. With struggling movements, I’ll sing for you, who will come to me some day. So my dreams that spread its wings can shine even more in the blue sky. So my coldly shut heart can beat again. I’ll go up in the sky to the stars. Outside the door, I always had anxious scars. I can only fly if I endured through the pain. Those hurtful words deeply cut into my heart. It's hurt but I bit my tongue and endured it. I know I’m gonna heal and I’m always looking up. Even if it’s dark, I’m gonna find the light. I will smile, I will keep smiling. I’m a fighter, I won’t ever give up. I’ll keep flying, fly, fly again. My dreams wrap around the future me. I’ll just be me. I can fly higher without fear, even when I’m trapped in darkness. Any kind of scar is beautiful to me. I’m just happy, I’m happy to be myself.
Just by looking at your hair that blew in the wind, I had nothing more to wish for. You came to me like a dream and only left behind a goodbye. I’m just thankful that I met you in my life. Back then, all the countless nights when I met you, I think of them with open arms. Please appear before me over the destiny. Come back to me, the fool who couldn’t tell you about my longing. Please appear before me over the destiny. So I can fill myself with you, who might get forgotten. Come back to me like the warm spring sunlight, like it’s the first time.
This road that I used to walk on, why does it feel so lonely? I sent you away because there seemed to be no end. But I still can’t forget you. I erased someone like you but why do I miss you so much? Eventhough I try to erase you and hold back my tears again, there's a person who keep coming back again and again. I erased all memories but why do I feel so sad? I try to hold back again. I try to erase you but that person will come back again . Am I not the one? Is there someone else for you? When you said that you loved me, it’s a lie right? You only leave scars deep in my heart. Eventhough I know it well, please don’t let go of me. I can’t do anything about being a tiring person. I only become obsessed like this. I seem like a fool like this. Really like a fool. You know it too. I won’t be able to see you. It’s probably the end. Eventhough I know it well, please understand me. It’s a lie, right? There’s probably someone for you. Eventhough I know it well, please don’t let go of me ♥
I reminisce my first sight of you. I remember back those mottled times . I finally stopped wandering aimlessly when you're by my side . I reminisce those familiar streets, remembering the beautiful days that flew away. There is a place only we know ♥
It has been a long time since I updated my blog, rite? Well, first of all let's welcome 2015. May this year bring us more happiness, more experience, more people to be friend with and not to forget, more money. Hehehe . Since it's already 2015, it makes me realize that I'm getting older . But then, I realize again that other people are getting older too. And when did I realize it? It was when I was reading some list on Twitter. Want to know about the list? It's a list of KPOP Idol Who Will Turn 30 on 2015. Looking at the list, it made my jaw dropped. Why? Because I can't believe those cute crazy guys are going to be 30 this year. It feels like yesterday I was fangirling with my friends about wanting to marry them because they're still young. Looks like I'm wrong. I will be 19 this year and yet they are going to be 30. I don't even finish my study yet. Oh my gosh *facepalm* .
And guess what? It made me reminisce back all the memories of being a fangirl of KPOP. Plus, there's a case related to KPOP in my country. Well, you know about the B1A4 thing? Yes, that happened. Trust me, it was hard for all KPOP fans in my country because people in this country got some problem with KPOP. They are always not satisfied with KPOP and they will find a way to make KPOP illegal for all of us. For me, if KPOP is going to be compared with Hollywood, I think KPOP is better for my country. Hollywood is way too much and yet they are against KPOP. For me, it is just a mere entertainment because it is one the thing that helps me forget my problem. It makes me learn so many things as well. But still, people in this country are like having a grudge on it. Why? Because they make better music than you? Because they make more dramatic drama than you? Because they are prettier and more handsome than you? Or because the fans kinda annoyed you? Oh come on. Like you haven't seen yourselves. You probably annoyed people too. And not all of us are that obssessed. Don't take the fanatic one as your benchmark to judge us. You should go and see with your own eyes what are happening at the fanmeeting or concert. It is no different with our local artist's concert and plus, it is better than our rock local artist's concert.
Okay, enough with this. I want to go back to the main topic. I told you I reminisced all the memories of being a fangirl of KPOP, right? Seriously, I haven't been paying attention to KPOP quite well lately since I'm busy with my college and I realized that it have been 5 years that I'm so into KPOP. At this point, you can say I'm one of the senior of KPOP fans because I started to love KPOP when Sorry Sorry and Nobody were very famous. And on that year, I got to know some legend song such as Mirotic, Lies, Gee, Again and Again etc. For us, if you don't know these song, you're not a real KPOP fans yet. And being in KPOP fandom is awesome actually. I'm in multifandom but trust me, I love all KPOP song. It's just depend on which group I like the most. For now, my favourite group are Super Junior (since 2010), f(x) (since 2010), Teen Top (since 2010), INFINITE (since 2011), EXO (since 2012) and Juniel (since 2012). Don't ask me why I favoured this group because I just love them all. And yeah, I'm SMTOWN stander. I'm happy when I'm in this fandom (ELF, MeU, Angel, INSPIRIT, EXO-L, Banilla) . They're all awesome people with crazy mind, uncontrolled hormone and of course, a big heart. We shared information with each other, explaining something to each other and even fight with each other. Talking about fight, fanwar is the fun part. You should at least involved in a fanwar if you're into KPOP because you will know there are so many kind of people exist in this world. The unreasonable one, the realistic one, the obssessed one, the ignorant one and many more. You can't missed this and I have been part of this for many time. *I laugh at my stupidity now because it's too funny that time. LOL* And we have inside jokes which only people in our fandom will know. It's fun, right? Yeah, you could say it's the same thing goes to Beliebers and Directioners. It's just the same. But maybe at some point, there will be some differences. Next, you will be completed if you're involved in fanfics too. I'm an author now because I'm involved in fanfics and it's really fun to me. Reading fanfic also makes you think that you don't even need to watch drama because sometimes there's fic that is deserved to be published as drama. You can have your favourite idol to be the hero too. Not only the K-Drama actors. Uhh ohh, don't forget about the album too ~~~ Me and my friends really like to buy KPOP album. Why? Because it's one of the way to show our support and the album is interesting too. People will say that it is a waste of money but hey, we feel happy with that so why not? Plus, I'm going to keep the album as a memory in case when I grow older, I'm no longer KPOP fans *but I hope I won't stop*. KPOP gives me good memories in my life. It surely will make me reminisce how loud I scream when I saw their handsome face, how loud I laugh at their stupid jokes, how I have to control my hormone when they're looking too handsome or cute and how I thought that not having a boyfriend is okay as long I have my KPOP bias. Hahaha. I know it will be a good thing to be told to my future offspring.
And for the idols, I thanked them for being an idol. They brought happiness to me in so many way and even if they did nothing, I always have something to comment. *because of them just need to breath for me to scream. HAHAHA* Now that at this rate only SungMin is married, I wished that Super Junior members will get marry faster or at least find themselves a girlfriend. Even if they already have girlfriend, I hope they will introduce them. ELF have no problem anymore with that from what I see. They're totally happy when SungMin got married. Of course they will be sad at first. I know that feeling but then they will get over it. Super Junior is not ending. They will continue till they want to stop and I know they don't want to stop. They really have faith on each other. Okay, that are the only idol that I allow for them to get married. LOL. Well, it's not like I'm controlling them. It is because they're old now and they deserved to get married and be happy. But not for f(x), Teen Top, INFINITE, EXO and Juniel. Hahaha. Why? Because I think they're still new and they have to focus on their career just like Super Junior before they decide to reveal about their relationship and such. But if they are caught, the fans have no other choice except to accept it *even if most of them would bash first* I said this because Super Junior revealed about their relationship on the fifth year of their career. They're stable at that time and I think it is a good decision. Okay, okay. Let's be considerate. Hmm, maybe for some members in INFINITE, EXO and f(x) are allowed to date by now since the oldest in INFINITE is 89-liner, in EXO is 90-liner and in f(x) is 87-liner. *Victoria should have a boyfriend by now* . I believed that most of them must already have girlfriend and I hope they will reveal it when the time has come. Okay? And we fan, we have to respect their decision. They are humans too. They're not a doll with no feeling at all. You see them laugh and cry, right? They love you too and you can see it. So why not letting them to have their loves one? You'll be with someone too in the future. So it's fair and square, right?
So in conclusion, I would like to say that there's give and take when you step into KPOP world. Some thing have to be taken for consideration and don't be selfish, okay? I have learned so many good thing through KPOP and I hope all of you, KPOP fan learn something too. Make KPOP a positive thing in your life, then you'll enjoy it without having your mom blabbering at you. *My siblings are so into KPOP so my mom have nothing to say, she will join somethimes ;)* Enough with this. I just want to say, I'm too attached to KPOP and I'm planning to be a fan until the youngest member of my favourite KPOP group got married and for now, it is ChangJo, a 95-liner. So I guess, I will be a KPOP fans till I'm 40? Hahaha. Coz it takes long for male idol to get married. Hmm. Okay, I better stop this. Seeya in my next post !